I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield
Yeah, I know I’m ugly…I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
Rodney Dangerfield
I write for Reader’s Digest. It’s not hard. [...]
I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.
Jack Benny
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I [...]
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack.
Demetri Martin
So a man jumps into a taxi and says “King Arthur’s close” and the taxi driver says, “don’t worry we’ll lose him at the next lights”.
Tommy Cooper
My wife was fitted with a coil. [...]
I laughed, even if I was the butt of the joke.
Pete Waterman
I lived that life for real, so to talk about it was like a joke, you know what I mean?
Tone Loc
Gentle dullness ever loves a joke.
Alexander Pope
Gracious dying is a huge, macabre and expensive joke on the American public.
Jessica Mitford
He who does not understand [...]
I never told a joke in my life.
Andy Kaufman
I remember when I was in college, I used to watch Julia Child’s cooking show during dinner and joke with my roommates about becoming a TV chef.
Martin Yan
I sometimes joke, Paula, even paranoid people have enemies.
Rahm Emanuel
I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody [...]
I’ll think of the idea and then I’ll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.
David Cross
I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg
I’ve been burn when it comes to my [...]
It would be a bitter cosmic joke if we destroy ourselves due to atrophy of the imagination.
Martha Gellhorn
It would be really hard to get serious about anything political today unless it was a joke.
Carla Bley
It’s a cosmic joke that I’m a lesbian, because I understand men so well but women are a complete mystery to [...]
Sex is God’s joke on human beings.
Bette Davis
Some one is generally sure to be the sufferer by a joke.
William Hazlitt
Some people, they just don’t get a joke.
Glenn Frey
Sometimes I wonder why God ever trusts talent in the hands of women, they usually make such an infernal mess of it. I think He must do it [...]
A caricature is putting the face of a joke on the body of a truth.
Joseph Conrad
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.
George Orwell
A joke is a very serious thing.
Winston Churchill
A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.
Georg C. Lichtenberg
A poet in history is divine, but a poet [...]