If you’ve heard this story before, don’t stop me, because I’d like to hear it again.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Marriage is a wonderful institution…but who wants to live in an [...]
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
I won’t belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or [...]
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They [...]
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.
Money frees you from [...]
Go, and never darken my towels again.
Humor is reason gone mad.
I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.
I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I’d [...]
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Getting older is no problem. You just [...]